Mafia Gazette Past Issue 14
1st September, 2005 'MAYOR HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE' By: Anonymous Mayor Unknown held a press meeting earlier today in the city of Detroit. Supposed leader, AntonioMontello1, tried to show up, but was forced out of the building by Unknowns bodyguards. He later mentioned that the writer of the newspaper article does not know who the Mystery Men's leader is. Unknown had also mentioned that the recent killings won't get a reason and not to ask for any. "Our kills have OUR reasons, it's not your business as to why we do it. That’s for us to know and release when we see fit." Mayor Unknown also talked of the lock down that has recently come into affect in Detroit. He said that anyone passing by Detroit better not stay long and hope that he doesn't see them shooting. An example was set yesterday when a Mystery Man caught a hoodlum firing upon another hoodlum. He also had a word for the future Street Boss' and current ones. "Your members act in any disrespectful way towards the Mystery Men and you will be dead." It is said that a member of La Famiglia di Cunningham called for three crews to have a war against a Mystery Man. His closing comment was about members of the community trying to stop the Mystery Men. "You all can try all you want, but just realize that you will be killed. You can kill one of us, but we will kill 10 of you. If you have a street boss and you kill a Mystery Man then your street boss dies. You threaten a Mystery Man while in a crew then your street boss dies. Get the point?" After that the Detroit Mayor was pushed into his limo and drove off after answering an important call. 'THE MANY FACES OF JOEY ' By: Venom_Vixen Recently I have noticed, as I am sure many of you have, the death toll has risen and the church is holding over 100 funerals a day and the priest had to be taken to St MoneyZeb’s due to overwork but I have been assured by the staff there that he will make a full recovery. At first glance we believe that gun violence must be on the rise, many of you are blaming the mystery men and now believe that our city streets are no longer safe, but in taking a look at the names on the gravestones you begin to discover a pattern. It seems as if around 70 of the deaths in the last week or so where those of the Joey bloodline many of them very young. Was this a hit on the whole family, a huge accident or perhaps they never learned how to cross the road safely. I decided to ask around the streets to see if anyone knew anything. One man commented that he had heard that they were the spawn of Satan and had been struck down before they could spread their evils; another stated that heard there had been a problem with the latest family barbeque. So spawn of Satan or just plain old food poisoning? There was only one way to find out, I went to talk to one of the last surviving Joeys and after having a good look around to make sure no one was listening he said this "my family, has a dark secret that we have been trying to hide for generations." He went on to tell me that many, many, many, many generations ago his great, great, great.....grandfather was very poor and needed money to feed his wife, he could find no work and the crime he did didn't pay much, his only option was to allow a researcher of the time to use him for experiments. Everything seemed fine at first and the money was great. But as time has passed we are seeing the now obvious side effects of the experiments and poor young Joey, he knows his fate will eventually be that of his forefathers. 'FISHZILLA AT LARGE' By: Trixie On August 31st Fishzilla went missing from his Mafiaquarium. Police believe he may have been abducted by a strange man with a body like a spring. His keeper, Gregoire_De_Fronsac, was to busy discussing others adoration for him to even notice that Fishzilla had escaped. Fishzilla was spawned August 19th by a horrible science experiment gone wrong. After rampaging for a few days, he settled down and ate his maker, Fronsac. After Fronsac managed to escape he decided that a Mafiaquarium would be smooth sailing from then on. Fishzilla seemed content with his bowl and his adoring fans. He is tame as long as you feed him Fish flakes and brine shrimp food cubes. When asked if he remembered the last time he had seen Fishzilla, Fronsac replied, "Indeed I do... the last time I saw my precious little creation, he was flopping down the street in the company of some bald, fat, old man. At the time, I was involved in a conversation with Jane and did not pay much attention to the kidnapping... that's right, I said KIDNAPPING! A hefty reward is being offered for any information that will lead to the safe return of my Fishzilla." If you do happen to see him, please do not panic and contact the local authorities. 'SCIENTISTS RELEASE STUDY RESULTS' By: Nemesis Recently there has been a lot of talking on the streets on the topic of pissing on graves and what drives people to show such disrespect, well for the first time, science has the answer. In a detailed study released today scientist believe to have discovered the cause of grave pissing. It was found that 90% of grave pissing was directed toward muggers so in order to find out more, scientist studied the changes that occur within the human body following being mugged. In almost all of the test patients involved in the study, after being mugged their body temperature rose, pupils dilated and adrenaline was released into the blood stream. Scientists have named this sequence of changes PMT (Post Mugging Tension) and have found that in the few short minutes following a mugging the victim is much more irritable than usual and is more likely to lash out. One test patient by the name of Venom_Vixen was so angry that she put one of the scientists in an arm lock until she could be calmed down with a health dose of chocolate. It is these violent outburst as a result of PMT that have cost many people their lives. But for some people killing is not enough to relive the anger invoked by PMT and in order for the victim to recover completely they feel that leaving a lasting sign if disrespect towards the mugger is necessary. Scientists recommend some the following, as good methods of relieving PMT they include meditation, punching pillows, shouting at people or watching a soap opera with a hot-water bottle and a tub of ice cream. 'COMPETITION CORNER' With: Maia Sure, everyone has skills. Some may shoot, some may jailbreak, some may be good at dealing drugs. The question arises though – Are you imaginative, creative? If you think you are, then I have something for you. A little competition, Yes that’s right your chance to earn some money whilst being creative: D . Having come into some cash, (or if the truth be known I have a very rich sugar daddy), I have decided to share my good fortune with you. How do you get your hands on this windfall? Simple, you take part in this competition and hope to god you win: P All you need to do is write a poem about someone within this thing of ours. The poem could be humorous, serious or even a love poem. There are three prizes up for grabs, 1st place gets 250k, 2nd 150k and 3rd 100k Send your poems to me. I will have the winner’s poem published in the gazette. Note: Profanity or any derogatory language will result in automatic disqualification 'NEWSPAPER SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE ' The Gazette will now be offering a subscription service for anyone wishing to receive the Mafia Gazette by mob mail or post. Subscriptions will cost$200 per week, $380 per fortnight, $700 per month or $5,000 for a lifetime subscription (post option only for fortnightly, monthly or lifetime subscriptions). All subscriptions will start from the day after subscription fees are paid. Please contact Tallulah for details of subscriptions or to apply to deliver the Gazette weekly subscriptions. Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact Tallulah, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand. '' 'LETTERS TO THE EDITOR The proclaimed notorious group AfterLife Inc. was run by no other than DeepWound himself. A long time member of Tanzini! Chell in fact went rogue and killed all of those Street Bosses on her own! DeepWound refused to help, Chell got mad and had him killed. But she messed with the wrong person. The hit man hired to kill DeepWound found himself dead a few minutes later and Chell got buried six feet deep shortly after too! Basically it goes with out saying...Don't mess with AfterLife Inc. or Tanzini, it may cause health problems! From: Anonymous. '''WALKING THE WIRE Comment By: WireRope Fight Club While working in my artist studio doing business I have a lot of time to listen to people talking on the streets below and in the rooms around me. One day, as I was adding the final touches to a portrait I heard some hurried whispers on the street below me. I edged my way silently to the window, knowing the risks of snooping in these streets. “…I need time to work it out”, I heard a slightly panicy voice say. “You don’t do your job, I’ll have you killed. We only need two competitors…..its not like there’s nothing in it for them”, said a second, menacing voice. “But so many lives will be wasted! All so that there can be a few celebs in these cities. Enough killing goes on as it is.” Said the first voice. “This will stop the random killings. This is where mindless killers or gun wielders wanting to make a name for themselves can truly become something. They can earn a fortune, more street cred than they could ever imagine and even get into a good, respectable crew. This operation can do no wrong.” The first voice sounded more determined now: “I wont do it. I have a family to support. I don’t want them living in these cities when your arranging that the citizens kill each other.” There was a pause. Then the second man spoke in a cold, malicious voice: “Then you clearly weren’t the man for this job. The boss trusted you and respected you and you’ve been trying to tell the cities of our plan before its finished. You never belonged in these cities.” “BANG!” A gunshot rang out. A startled pigeon flapped off near me causing me to stumble back into my studio. I heard footsteps disappear and the street went silent. I hurried down the stairs through the front door and onto the back alley. A skinny, pale man lay on the road, blood covered his chest and the ground around him. I ran and knelt by him, holding up his head. “….F-F-Fight club……Its coming”. “I don’t understand”, I said. I’ll call an ambulance. But his breathing stopped and his head rolled sideways. I looked around me, suddenly scared of the information I now knew. I ran back inside and said nothing to anyone. However I feel its time I shared this with you all. I don’t know what it is, but it’s coming. 'WE HEAR THAT…' Gossip column by: Trixie ....Someone thought it would be smart to bribe the judges of the Mr. Mafia contest. There have been two incidents thus reported. One of 50k sent out to every judge, and one of 10k sent to one judge. Will these bribes work? Will the contestants be disqualified? And who are these rich men willing to drop so much money for a simple contest? ....There has been a lot of talk of The Chicago Cubs winning the world series lately. To dispel any rumours or false hopes, I, a die-hard Cubs fan knows that hell will freeze over before they win again. ....There is a current outbreak of dream invading at St. MoneyZeb’s. Patients and doctors alike have fallen asleep, been knocked out, or just blinked and suddenly their dreams and thoughts are invaded by those around them. The scariest of the all was TieDomiII in a pink tutu with Pink boots. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to Tallulah at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. S&G Law firm Having trouble with another Mafioso, well for 10k I will help you settle this dispute and if I cant resolve it you don’t pay mm me Chris_Scarpa Do you wish you could be more respected in this city? Do people never notice you on these streets? Well heres your chance to solve those problems! Budding young graduates from the WireRope School of Art are raring to paint a dramatic, lifelike representation of you for a small fee. For only $5000 black and white or $10000 colour you could be immortalized in paper for generations to see and admire! SO go on...become immortal! Contact: WireRope 'REFERENCES' '''1. '''Article taken from http://pvp.a.mafia.org/gazette.php?issue=20. Browse • • • • • • •